We’ve just completed the rounds of college tours, applications and essays for our elder son, Dylan.  He applied to 3 colleges, one of them early admission (Duke), where he was accepted and is going to go. It was his first choice, because when he went to see it, he liked it. It wasn’t on the initial list, since we knew little about it.  One cousin suggested it and other cousin lives close to Duke and hosted Dylan and his father when they visited. We are happy with the outcome, but still totally in the dark on how the admissions game is played.  We had no connections, no inside information, and no special talent or skill that would set Dylan apart.  After this experience, I can say we are no more enlightened about how to improve odds for success, and whatever we’ve learned (well, except perhaps timeliness) doesn’t seem likely to help in the next round, when our younger son applies to college in four more years. 

I take nothing away from my dearest son, who has been good humored and easy-going since birth.  My husband says that he has my quick grasp, and his own good memory and willingness to work hard.  That said, Dylan did well at school, but not the very top. Good grades, but not the best. Nice scores, but plenty of others did as well or better. When it comes to the question of how or why Dylan was selected among qualified peers, we have no answers, only pure and sometimes fanciful speculation.  The Armenian last name, perhaps, if they were looking for greater diversity.  Or possibly the combination of top level French classes (which his counselor recommended he keep) along with four years of high school hockey and lacrosse?  Maybe it was his essay, “The Year I Won Nothing”, about, in spite of his long career of academic success, and decent records in league hockey, during his sophomore year, he played on hockey and lacrosse teams that lost every single game – a record of sorts.  So, he knows of losing as well as winning?  Could be.  We just don’t know.  Can’t tell you; can’t help you.

What I would share is this: that the senior year, while stressful, was only moderately stressful, since Dylan only did only three apps., and since we found out early. It could have easily gone a different way.  What is interesting is that this time period was stressful in other ways, mainly to do with the health and welfare of some of the senior citizens of the family – probably our greater preoccupation at times.  But in the end, not too much worry or focus on “which school” or “the very best school” worked out for us.  Duke seemed a good match.  Dylan did all the on-line parts of the apps.and we had a couple people look over the essay. A certain benign neglect took force; there maybe should have been more likely or safety schools, but we just couldn’t get around to it. And it turned out OK; maybe better than expected.   

And, that may be the lesson; that it does turn out OK, for the most part, for most people. There are so many ways of getting to where you want to go.  Spending too much time trying to figure out the system can be just a waste of time – since it’s neither completely open to market forces, nor based simply on merit. The system is opaque, and there are forces, fair or not, that are at work on how decisions are made.  Rather, spend the time on the quality of life as you are living it, both as a student and as a family, and trust that it’s the skills of adapting and coping that count as much as advantages conferred.