On my calendar for this summer were college tours, my son’s driving test, entertaining guests at the Cape,visits to the orthodontist, dermatologist, and an appointment to get my son’s wisdom teeth out.  Oh yes, and writing.  So far, no writing.  Instead, trips to the Berkshires to see my elderly bachelor uncle who has lung cancer; a visit to the Vermont Vets Nursinghome; meetings with Visiting Nurses; and many, many phone calls.  What was a visit to see my uncle after hisdischarge from the hospital with pneumonia has turned into an urgent mission to find care for a man that the VNA has said, “is not safe to be on his own.”Trouble is, there’s no one who can stay with him, or can care for him in their homes: no wife, no children, no relatives close by in a position to manage hiscare.  The man is on his own in a second floor apartment at senior housing, with no elevator, no air conditioning, verylittle income, and no one to know if he’s fallen down dead.  It’s a job to figure out what to do, and it’s taken over my life and my summer:  not because I volunteered.  Because there’s no one else to do it.

 This is an uncle who helped care for me and my five siblings after my father died at age 39.  He was a vet, who had a brief calling toward the priesthood and took care of his own mother, our grandmother, in her old age. He was kind and nurturing, and drove us all over the place, enabling us to pursue dreams we might not have otherwise. I’m very fond of him, and happy to help as I can, but restricted also by my own family responsibilities, and two school age children, plus the distance of a three hour road trip. 

 It’s not like we didn’t see it coming, from the very day my uncle decided to relocate to western Mass.,near to his hometown in Bennington, VT.  He had one brother in the area, older than he was, and otherwise no one in a position to manage for him when he got incapacitated.  But he loved the area,thrived; a beautiful and cultural area that is terrific for active seniors. And he was active: a walker, swimmer, skater, golfer, really a fine athlete. Until diabetes, high blood pressure, and lung cancer slowed him down. Wisely or not,the oncologist offered him chemotherapy, which my uncle decided to try in hopes of better “quantity and quality” of life. So far, quality is down.

 We had a plan: I was to do the business end of things as my uncle began to decline, and another cousin, living not too distant, was able to help with some doctor’s appointments and keeping track of medications. Until she couldn’t.  Not only did she have to return to work for financial reasons, but her own elderly mother became critically ill, heart problems and kidney failure, and then she was handling her own health care crisis. 

 We even had an end-game: when my uncle was so declined he couldn’t take care of himself, he wanted to go to the “Vets Home” in Bennington, a place he was familiar with and other, elderly relatives had spent time at. Trouble was,his discharge from the hospital said “Observation”, not “Pneumonia”, although he had a prescription for anti-biotics. He was not placed at a nursing home to rehab, which would have been covered by Medicare, but set up with VNA, on a schedule of 3 or so visits a week, for about 45 minutes, and an aide who bathes him, because he cannot do that.  Elder Services was ready to help, also, with Meals on Wheels, etc., but it doesn’t help if he doesn’t eat, sleeps all the time, gets confused about day and night, and gets his medications mixed up.  So, he’s gone downhill, lost considerable weight, and I have a call into his doctor’s office to see what can be done. But it doesn’t get done on its own. It needs someone calling, pushing,questioning, giving information.  His biggest support right now is his 80 year old widowed cousin, who comes to visit him, brings him chicken salad, has cleaned up his apartment, and calls to report. But she cannot take care of him around the clock.

 I don’t resent helping my uncle. I am glad to give what help and support I can at this point in his life. I know so many people my age going through this with elderly relatives.I know it’s not a perfect system, and eventually we’ll find a workable solution. But meanwhile, at the end of the day, my uncle is alone, unwell,anxious, feeble, confused and liable to injure himself. In the middle of the night, I’m awake, wondering how he is.